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This blog is all about my personal health and fitness journey. I am a qualified personal trainer and run my own Online Personal Training Business - GET ACTIVE ONLINE. I love helping others reach their goals and just feel better about themselves! Last year I competed in the Sports Model Division at the INBA All Female Classic and had a great time and might just do it again! But more on that later.... for now I just love rambling on about the daily adventures of Life!!!!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

LIFE'S CHALLENGES...............

WARNING - This post is long and very personal. I have chosen to publish it because it might help some other women deal a little bit better with a similar experience.
THE BEGINNING

Oh my god, I never thought this day would come! I’m pregnant! I’m still a bit in shock and can’t quite believe it although after three positive home pregnancy tests and a blood test you think it would start to sink in. What started as heartburn has turned into my life changing forever!

I suppose for years now I have had these thought in the back of my mind that I just couldn’t have kids, I’m not really sure where it came from but deep down I have always wanted to have a family but not sure if this dream would ever become a reality. A year ago today I was a day away from getting married and here I am a year later finding out that we will have a family too!

A year ago I went of the pill after 15 years on it and my hormones and body went into shock. For the past year I have had four periods and no regular cycle whatsoever, so my secret desire to have a child day seemed all that further away. How could I possibly get pregnant with no regular periods? Maybe I’m just not meant to have kids? We were actually just about to get tested to see if we could have kids, so at least we know where we stood.

So how do I feel? So very excited, happy but at the same time so nervous and scared, finding out you are pregnant at just 2-3 weeks is nerve racking, especially for a first time mum. I keep thinking will everything be alright, I’ve read so much about miscarriage and how common it is and that it is a real possibility. Now that I am pregnant it’s all I want and all I can think about and the possibility of that being taken away is just horrible. I know that if things happen then it is for a reason and it wasn’t meant to be but I just want this and I don’t want anyone to take this feeling away from me.

So excitedly we have told all of our family, I’m not very good at keeping a secret especially from those closest to me so we just had to share the news and to say they are excited is a little bit of an understatement!

My wonderful hubby is fantastic although going through phases of calm and absolute shock. As he says “life as I know it no longer exists”, not that this is a bad thing but it is quite true and things will never quite be the same. I’m lucky I have a husband who communicates and actually thinks about things, he knows how hard it will be to bring a baby into our relationship and that things will change although we have discussed that it is something we would still love to do!

So here I am only 3 weeks gone, feeling tired already and just can’t wait for weeks to pass as I know the more weeks I have this precious little baby inside me the safer it is! So I’m off on a work trip, six days flying all over the place. So hopefully I don’t get struck down with morning sickness and all the work helps to take my mind of things for a little while as I know there is no point stressing about what could or could not happen!

TWO WEEKS ON
Lucky for me I’ve been flat out flying all over the countryside so I haven’t had too much time to stress over what might or might not happen! Although in between my big days flying I did manage to read most of the book “What to expect when you’re expecting”, it was actually a great book and helped to calm my nerves for a minute of two.

So after spending the first week stressing over what was the perfect diet and what I should and shouldn’t be doing training wise I’ve realised that I’m better of just making a few little changes to my current habits and stop stressing about everything, as most new Mum’s wouldn’t even now they were pregnant yet and here I am trying to follow the perfect pregnancy plan, not that such a thing exists. So I’ve decided that the only real changes that I need to make for now is a reduction in my Splenda consumption as I seemed to be overdosing on artificial sweeteners. Plus I’ve reduced my caffeine intake; I’ve actually gone off coffee so that hasn’t been too bad and just replaced normal tea with a cup of decaf if I feel like it. I’ve also had to change my breakie to Oats and Cottage Cheese rather than Oats and Protein Powder as I’ve read that there is most probably to many additives and extras in the Protein Powder that I just don’t need right now. I am finding it hard though especially when stuck on the aircraft or in hotel rooms to find the best food options as I used to frequently buy deli meat or cold chicken and had quite a high protein low carb diet, which works for me, although now I’m not only thinking about me but someone else, I know some good fruit and healthy carbs will be great for my little growing bundle! So I’m incorporating some extra fruit and a few more healthy carbs, plus a bit more calcium and red meat. So really it’s all quite positive as it’s got me eating a bigger range of food again although I must say I’m not feeling quite as trim as I’m used to. You see I found out I was pregnant just after the New Year I was all set to train hard and eat lean for a couple of months to get rid of the Chrissy pudge, although dieting and being pregnant just isn’t meant to be. It’s also hard as for years now I have always been so conscious of what I have eaten and have had to eat well and train hard to stay in good shape, so now to eat “normally” is really a bit harder than it sounds, but I’m getting there.

So at the moment I’m dealing with the thoughts of wondering if I really am still pregnant, you’d think it would have sunk in by now but I just don’t feel that much different and as I still haven’t had a scan yet it just doesn’t feel quite real. I have had the odd day of extreme tiredness and today is one of them. I’m sitting here typing just struggling to keep my eyelids open, I’m not sure if this is just me or being pregnant. Oh nearly forgot, I just can’t stop peeing, it’s actually quite bad as I look like a toilet freak on the aircraft and I still can’t tell anyone so they must think I have a bladder problem.

I’ve also had a strange experience at the hairdresser yesterday. After stressing over whether to dye my hair or not I decided to take the plunge and get it done. So I decided to confide in my hairdresser as I assumed they would know best. Although it didn’t seem to change anything and they went ahead and did my usual regrowth although I also wanted a few foils, so I got a few light ones and a few dark ones, well the dark ones are black which looks a bit odd next to really blonde hair! I don’t know whether it was the hairdresser or my hormones but I’m not doing any experimenting on my head for the rest of this pregnancy!

So another week and a half before I’m home again and then I should be ready for my dating scan! I’m just hanging to get to the 12 week mark and feel a bit more secure about everything as right now I still worry that it’s not real and I so want it to be. Hopefully as more time passes I’ll get comfy with the idea and be able to jump around with Joy.

Oh nearly forgot, it’s already started – The ADVISE, from every mother out there who all know what is best for you and start making bids on what you are going to have. Oh my god I don’t know if I can deal with 9 months of that!

NEARLY HOME!
Well another week has passed and I’m just amazed at how much a body can change in just one week! I’ve been really busy flying all over the country side as I’m just trying to do as much work as I can, while I can. In the last week my pregnancy has definitely started to FEEL REAL. For one my boobs have already grown, must say I don’t mind that too much! But what has made it seem all the more real is a lovely thing called “morning sickness”. Here I was stressing that maybe I wasn’t really pregnant as I didn’t feel pregnant well how that has changes. About three days ago I woke up and just felt sick, not quite enough to want to throw up but enough to make you feel nauseous, and it’s not just the morning it seems to last all day. I’ve found it hard to cope with as I’m normally such an active person in the mornings and now I can’t seem to get out of bed without eating a dry cracker! So I’ve gone from eating really well to eating in bed, oh my god what’s next! So at the moment I seem to survive by eating a lot more starchy carbs in the way of vita weet and have strangely gone of so many of my normal foods. I wasn’t expecting any cravings yet but I definitely have found so many food aversions. It seems like everything I used to eat kinda repulses me now. Just the thought of a tuna salad is enough to make my stomach turn, plus I used to LOVE, I mean really love nuts and I can’t seem to tolerate them at the moment. I’m craving all the foods I don’t normally eat a lot of, like plain old starchy carbs and fruit! Don’t seem to have too much of a sweet tooth and could just live on eggs on toast at the moment.
I’m finding it a bit tricky at the moment as I’m away on my first trip since the morning sickness hit and all the usual foods I’d take just don’t seem to cut it! It was also a bit tricky this morning as I had to get up at 3am and was working in business class, feeling quite queasy although at this early stage no one knows, so I had to pretend all was fine when inside I felt on the verge of running to the loo! So at the moment I’ve had to incorporate lots of frequent snacks, which isn’t a bad thing although instead of being protein based at the moment they are tending to be vita weet based, lol. So I’m trying to not weaken to cravings but have some healthy alternatives which still make me feel ok. So my diet is a lot different to how I normally eat but at the moment the goal is to not throw up! I’m also so very tired, obviously a lot of stuff is going on in this body of mine coz I’m not doing too much and all I wanna do is sleep.

Also I’ve found the whole pregnancy timetable and doctors appointments so very confusing. For a new mum you can feel really lost and quite confused. As I don’t have a “regular” doctor I have been referred on to the public hospital although to begin with my next scan is at the private hospital, so I was left unsure whether I had been referred as private or public? I seem to have it sorted now and have discovered that for my dating scan and until I have seen the obstetrician at the Public hospital I have to pay for and go through the private hospital although as soon as I have my first appointment at the public hospital they will organise everything through there. So in less than a week now I’ll have my first scan and actually find out how pregnant I am, I’m guessing I’m about 7 weeks along but can’t wait to actually know for sure!

Anyway time for me to find some energy from somewhere and hit the gym! Gotta work off some of these crackers, he, he!

THE SCAN
Oh how things can change in just a week. I’ve gone from being so excited to living in a world of uncertainty. On Tuesday I arrived home after three long weeks away, it was so good to see my hubby and just know I didn’t have to go anywhere for a whole week! Since returning home I’m been quite sick and living on toast and crackers, not the most nutritious or healthy diet in the world but it seems to be all I can stomach. So I’m feeling a bit worse for wear as my usual training schedule is gone out the window, this week I have managed a Jog, Weights and a Powerwalk, Spin Class & another Powerwalk, which is nothing compared to my usual activity especially considering the amount of bread I have been eating, oh well the goal is just to feel ok at this point.

So anyway since being home I’ve been hanging out to get my scan done, which was booked in for Friday morning. So all week I’ve been patiently waiting to have the scan done as I just wanted some reassurance that everything was ok and to find out how far along I am. So Cam took the morning off and came with me, I was so very excited at first as everything looked good, I’m 7 weeks pregnant and we could even see it’s little heart beating away although it wasn’t long before we noticed it wasn’t beating quite as it should. It was quite irregular and it turns out that it has a slow heart beat. So I left feeling quite devastated and confused, not really sure what it all meant! So after some research I discovered that a slow heart rate isn’t a good thing at all! At the moment the fetal heart rate is at the point where it is highly likely I could miscarry! So my world is a little bit upside down at the moment, I’m still pregnant but wondering how long for. I know I need to be positive but it’s so hard when the odds are stacked against you. I’ve been told to keep busy and try not to think about it too much, how is that even possible! I know I’m sick of crying and really the only thing I can do is to be positive but I just don’t know how. So I’m booked in for another scan in 7-10 days to see what’s happening. The bad news is I’ll most probably have to wait more like 2 weeks as I’m off on a 6 day trip on Friday and it would be too early to have the scan before I go, at least when I’m working I’ll be busy and have little time to think about it all. The good news is at this point I still feel pregnant and have no bleeding so I’m still hopeful, I was a little fighter born 12 weeks premature so maybe I’ve just got a little fighter inside of me, I can only hope!

SICK & TIRED
This is my life at the moment! Sick & tired, I wake up and I feel sick, I eat something I feel sick, I don’t eat I feel even more sick. Doesn’t seem to matter what I do I don’t feel good! Some days are better than others but generally I just feel like crap all day, I have about a ¼ of the energy I’m used to and just struggling to do any of my normal activities. Yesterday I managed to go to the gym and do weights and a pathetic 30 min jog followed by 15 minute walk, the whole time feeling average, not my usual euphoria I get when exercising! So yesterday was quite proactive and I cleaned, cooked and managed to cope ok, whereas today has been a different story. I woke up felt like crap, ate some Weetbix (can’t even cope with my beloved oats), put gym gear on psyching myself for the gym, breakfast didn’t go down to well, felt worse and crawled back into bed. Couldn’t sleep as phone kept ringing so got up still felt like crap, managed to motivate myself to go for a walk, not a very fast walk but at least I was moving. The rest of the day revolved around trying to find something I could stomach, salada with promite seemed ok! Followed by constantly crawling back into bed! I just don’t know how much longer I can cope with this; I’m so used to being so full of energy and training hard and eating well to going to a Salada eating sloth! On a positive note I made a Dr Appointment for tomorrow as I just couldn’t cope with the worrying any longer. The thought of going away for a week and spending it either on the aircraft or in hotel rooms with the thought I might miscarry was doing my head in! I just need to talk to someone so tomorrow is the Dr Appointment; I just need to hear where things are at. As I don’t want to be negative and so hope that this little bubby of mine is just a slow starter but at the same time I think I’m preparing myself for the worst as I can’t keep getting excited and working myself up over what may or may not happen. So I’m trying to get on with things but it’s a little hard when all you can think about it this little thing growing inside of you which you wish so much turns into a beautiful healthy baby. I really realise now what a true miracle every baby that comes into this world really is! So if me being sick and tired helps this bubby grow I’m happy to be sick and tired for as long as it takes!

THE ROLLERCOSTER CONTINUES
Yesterday I had my Dr Appointment which turned out not to be the best thing. We had a chat which was great and she told me that it was quite possible the baby’s heart beat would pick up and it didn’t necessarily mean I was certain to miscarry. Although then she tried to find the baby’s heartbeat on her little ultrasound machine. It was so horrible watching her trying to find any sign of a heartbeat but I could just tell it wasn’t going to happen. She said everything else looked good and as I am still feeling sick you never know as the proper ultrasound I have booked for today might show up more. Although I knew that it wasn’t a great sign and we talked about miscarriage and my different options if a heartbeat wasn’t found. It’s horrible I feel like I’m kinda giving up before knowing but I just can’t cope with the uncertainty anymore. I’m really starting to believe too much knowledge isn’t a good thing, if I didn’t know I was pregnant and had seen the heartbeat I think I would be coping a bit better but knowing you might miscarry is pure torture especially when Cam & I are both so excited. So anyway I’m about to head of to my ultrasound appointment now and at least I will know for sure what is happening as I just can’t cope with this waiting! The bad thing is that I’m not feeling half as sick today and I think I know what the ultrasound will show before I even go!

CLOSURE
Well it might not be good but it’s just good to stop worrying as the uncertainty and worry was killing me, my life for the last couple of weeks has been a nightmare and today I have closure. As mentioned I had my scan and as I was expecting there was no heartbeat and I was due to miscarry. I’m so glad that I had Cam with me as the ultrasound man wasn’t the best people person and it wasn’t something I wanted to go through alone. So even though I was expecting it you still can’t prepare yourself for the loss you feel and the sadness. Cam has been wonderful and spent the afternoon cheering me up over Very Vanilla Chillers at Gloria Jeans! So I’ve had moments where I feel ok and others where I just get sad and teary all over again. I’ve had to call in sick for work as nature hasn’t even started to take its course and I have no signs of miscarriage, if it wasn’t for the scan you would think I was still pregnant. I’ve had no cramps, no spotting and the only reason I know that things are different is that I’m not feeling totally ill like I have for the past couple of weeks. So I have to decide tomorrow whether to let nature take its course (which can take weeks) or speed things along. I’m meeting with the Dr in the morning to discuss all options. So in a way I am relieved as I just don’t think I could cope with the stress and worry for too much longer, obviously I feel great loss but I also know that things happen for a reason and obviously this little one wasn’t meant to be. At least I know I can get pregnant and it is definitely something that Cam and I really want but now is obviously just not the right time.

So for me now I just need a bit more time to feel “normal” again! Eat well, sleep, exercise and just get my head right (and maybe cry just a little bit more)

It’s a bit sad as originally this journal was meant to be all about my journey to becoming a Mum and was to be published once I reached 12 weeks although life isn’t always as expected and as such I have decided to still publish my journey. If I can help just one other woman realise how very common this is and that it is really out of our hands and not to feel guilty for one minute then my story is worth it.

I’ll be back when I’m feeling a bit better......................

Take Care, love life and enjoy every minute! Love Hilds

10 comments:

Jadey said...

Oh Hilds, thinking of you gorgeous and praying for you and Cam. Will keep upated via your blog gorgeous girl. Sending love and hugs your way. Jadey xxx

RaeC said...

Oh Hilds, I am bawling my eyes out after reading this. I am just so sorry you lost your much longed for baby. One of my friends went through this last year and is now 4 months pregnant with a little healthy bundle, so don't lose hope that it can also happen for you, although I know that right now this is not what you are thinking about and probably don't want to even contemplate. I hope knowing that there is a little precious Angel in Heaven watching over you brings you some comfort. ((((HUGS)))) xxx

SeLiNa said...

WHOA Hilde, I sat there glued to every word. I felt the excitement and happiness for you, then the sadness and disappointment. Same thing happened to my sister a few months back, BUT like I said to her and you too said, at least you now KNOW you CAN fall pregnant, now just wasn't the right time :) I hope you're doing OK, take some time out to look after yourself. Your special little one will come along when the time is perfect. xx

Alicia Negrin said...

Hey Hilde...just wanted to let you know that I know exactly how you're feeling right now. I miscarried at 7 weeks in November last year and it felt like my whole world was torn apart. Even now, nearly 3 months later, I still feel some pain. Please email me if you ever want to talk.

Charlotte Orr said...

That was very brave of you to post Hilds. My thoughts are with you. Best wishes, Charlotte

Lia Halsall said...

Loving and losing unfortunately is a part of our lives. It's not until we're faced with it personally that it sinks in how much it hurts.

I can only empathise with you and your situation Hilds. I really do hope for the best outcome and wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts and blessings.

Lia xxx

little rene said...

Hi Hilds :)

I am so sorry for your loss. Nature can be so cruel at times. Take care of yourself and spend lots of time with that beautiful husband. Thinking of you.

Rene xxx

jodie said...

Hi Hilde
I just want to give you a hug! I read your post with first excitement, understanding and then shock and sadness. You certainly have been on a rollercoaster ride. I know you will fall pregnant when it is right and you will make a beautful mum. Take care my friend
Jodie

Hilary said...

Hilds, I am so very very sorry about your news, sending you my thoughts and hope that things start to look up for you soon.

Thinking of you xxx

Hilary xx

LizN said...

Hilds,
I am just reading this now. My condolences for your loss. I am so sorry.
Hugs
Liz;)